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‘You marry the family’ is annoying advice, but don’t ignore it

If you’ve ever had a serious relationship, you’ve definitely fielded the never-ending barrage of questions: “How many siblings does he have?” “What is his mom like? Does she like you?” “When are you going to meet the family?”

Then, inevitably, these questions terminate in the singsong, oft-repeated phrase: Don’t forget, you don’t just marry an individual, you marry the whole family.

Even though those words make me want to rally for a nationwide, collective eye roll, I have to admit that after almost four years of marriage with parents-in-law, seven sisters-in-law, and four brothers-in-law in the picture, there’s no denying the truth in that overused statement.

So, why is it so irritating?

Because it conflicts with two very primal instincts we all get when we fall in love: The first is our desire for intimacy, and the second is our certainty that the relationship we have is unique and unintelligible to those who are outside of it.

There’s no bigger damper on those instincts than to admit there is a large group of people involved who have a right to an opinion on your relationship. Everything in our bodies wants us to scream, “No, this is just about us; no one else matters.”

Nevertheless, the fact remains that you can’t separate your spouse from the family they came from. What you can do, though, is realize that “you marry the family” is a big generalization. There are ways in which that is very true and ways in which it is untrue, and figuring out the difference will help you make a better decision about who to marry and how to ease family-related tension after you marry.

01. You can’t ignore family relationships.

There’s no way to get out of the reality that your spouse’s family history will have a major impact on your relationship. It matters whether your spouse grew up in a loving home or a harsh one, a broken home or a whole one; it matters how his parents chose to parent and it matters how his character was formed as a child. If there are things you don’t like about the way your spouse and his family treat one another, it’s important to discuss it because it’s almost guaranteed to come up in your married life together at some point. And that goes for the good things, too. If there are things you really like about your future spouse’s family relationships, you can feel more confident that you will have a similar experience together.

One of the things that gave me a lot of peace while dating my spouse was his level of respect and care for his mom. You could clearly tell that this was demanded of him and instilled in his character from a very young age and it gave me confidence knowing that this behaviour would probably influence his treatment of me and later, influence the behaviour of our children toward me.

Your spouse is different than his family, but he was formed by his family and it’s a big mistake not to take that in to account when making a decision about marriage. In that sense, you very much “marry the family.”

02. You can create your own family culture.

On the other hand, despite what may have been the case with either of your families, you can find comfort in the fact that your family unit is still separate and comes first. This refrain has been a peace-creating balm for my own marriage since my spouse and I come from different nationalities and cultural backgrounds.

Our first year or two of marriage was difficult because our respective families had very different ways of doing things, like different foods at the holidays, different expectations about what’s polite, and how to share news with other family members. There are even differences in little things like the fact that my family loves sitting around the living room with paper plate dinners and his family would never not eat around a properly set table. It was a major worry for both of us that our own family would either morph into a carbon copy of my spouse’s family or mine depending on who won the cultural tug of war.

Fortunately, we realized that while we didn’t have the ability to change the cultures we were raised in, we do have the ability to dictate exactly how we would like our own family unit to be. We picked some traditions and expectations from each side that we liked and threw out the ones we didn’t like. As a result, we’ve formed a family that has its own culture.

Of course, our respective families still have a big place in our hearts and we enjoy participating in their way of doing things when we visit. But now we can remind our kids: at home, we do things differently.

03. Your vow is to your spouse alone.

When we’re married, we’re asked commit to a life of self-sacrificial love, where we put our spouse’s needs above our own. Love also demands us to make ourselves utterly vulnerable, revealing our flaws and weaknesses and accepting those of our spouse. These commitments are so intense, no wonder it feels a little off-putting when we’re told we need to “marry the family” as well.

When you say “I do” you are opening your heart to embrace a group of people who love and care about your spouse and therefore have some natural right to a relationship with you and especially with the children that might come from your union. That said, while we should always try to maintain a healthy relationship with our partner’s family members, we can discriminate when it comes to deciding the level of influence certain family members have on our own family unit and the level of intimacy of those relationships. So, yes, marriage involves loving each other’s families but our marital commitment to our spouse is a higher priority, and that’s an important difference.

As annoying as it may be to hear, we can’t avoid “marrying” our spouse’s family, to some degree. And that’s a good thing. But don’t freak out that you will be required to share every marital decision with your husband’s nosy Aunt Susie because your marriage with your spouse is something very different and much more intimate than any union you’ll have with his family.

 

Source: verilymag.com

Doggy style is most dangerous sex position

The study found that ‘doggy style’ sex is the most dangerous, with 41 per cent of cases of penile fracture occurring as a result of using the position

In a new study called the ‘relationship between sexual position and severity of penile fracture’ from the International Journal of Impotence Research, doctors analysed which sex positions were the most dangerous for men.

The study found that ‘doggy style’ sex is the most dangerous, with 41 per cent of cases of penile fracture occurring as a result of using the position.

Missionary, with the man on top, was in second place, as the cause behind 25 per cent of penile fracture cases, followed by sex with the woman on top in third.

The researchers who worked on the study included R Barros, L Schulze, A A Ornellas, L Koifman and L A Favorito.

They noted that doggy style sex and missionary could cause equally serious penile fracture, while the woman being on top was the least dangerous.

They said: ‘We do not observe differences between the severity of the penile fracture between the “doggy style” and “man-on-top”, but the “doggy style” had more severity of penile fracture when compared with “woman-on-top”.’

How does a penis fracture?

X-ray of a penis fracture

A penile fracture occurs when the appendage is subject to a sharp, blunt force trauma, which can occur during vigorous intercourse or masturbation.Since 1924, 1,600 cases have been recorded worldwide – roughly 16 instances per year, the Telegraph previously reported.

Researchers noted that in 50 per cent of cases, a gruesome cracking sound can be heard. Four in five male victims lost their erection.Those who have already been traumatised from breaking their penis are often left with erectile dysfunction problems and a lifetime of painful sex.

Earlier this year, MailOnline reported on a man from southern China who was left in agony after breaking his penis during sex with his wife.Doctors found that his penis was at an odd angle and was in a swollen shape that made it look like an eggplant.

He was diagnosed with a penile fracture after tearing a sponge-like erectile tissue called corpora cavernosa.

Blood flows into corpora cavernosa that runs along the penis and making it hard during an erection.The trick to stopping penile injuries is to thrust quite shallowly, according to Tracey Cox.

‘Holding your partner close to you using a grinding rather than thrusting motion will also reduce the risk’, she told MailOnline.

 

 

 

Credit:

MailOnline

Women ‘more likely to lose interest in sex than men’

Women are more than twice as likely as men to lack interest in sex when living with a partner, a study of British sexual attitudes suggests.

It found that while men and women lost passion with age, women were often left cold by longer relationships. Overall, poor health and a lack of emotional closeness affected both men’s and women’s desire for sex.

The findings are based on the experiences of nearly 5,000 men and 6,700 women, published in BMJ Open. The UK researchers said problems of sexual desire should be treated by looking at the whole person, rather than simply resorting to drugs.

‘Pain and misery’

Relate sex therapist, Ammanda Major, said losing interest in sex wasn’t necessarily abnormal, and there were many different reasons why men’s and women’s needs changed.

“For some, it is a natural and normal place to be, but for others it causes pain and misery,” she said. In total, 15% of men and 34% of women surveyed said they had lost interest in sex for three months or more in the previous year.

For men, this lack of interest was highest at the ages of 35-44, while for women it peaked between 55 and 64. But the researchers, from the University of Southampton and University College London, said there was no evidence that the menopause was a factor for women. However, they did find that having young children at home was a particular turn-off for women.

Poor physical and mental health, poor communication and a lack of emotional connection during sex were the main reasons why men and women lost interest.

Five tips to rekindling interest in sex

  • Start talking about the issue early on rather than leaving it to fester – ignoring it can lead to other problems and make you feel resentful. If that doesn’t work, confront the reason why you don’t want to talk about it
  • Explore other forms of intimacy such as holding hands, talking gently to each other, cuddling and stroking rather than full-on sex
  • Feeling as if you are not being heard is a barrier to sex – so make your partner feel respected and important Get some additional support by going to see a sex therapist, relationship counsellor or your GP
  • Relax – many relationships work very well when they are non-sexual, if it’s an outcome that is reached jointly.In the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles in Britain, those who found it “always easy to talk about sex” with their partner were less likely to say they lacked interest. However, those whose partner had had sexual difficulties, and those who were less happy in their relationship, were more likely to say they had lost interest in sex at some stage, the researchers said.
  • Among women, the study found that “not sharing the same level of sexual interest with a partner, and not sharing the same sexual likes and dislikes” were also a factor in loss of interest in sex. Cynthia Graham, professor of sexual and reproductive health at the University of Southampton, said the findings increased understanding of what lay behind men and women’s lack of interest in sex and how to treat it.

“This highlights the need to assess and – if necessary – treat sexual desire problems in a holistic and relationship-specific, as well as gender-specific way.”

She added that this was a problem that could not be fixed by a pill alone. “It is important to look beyond anti-depressives,” Prof Graham said.

The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recently approved the first-ever drug aimed at boosting female libido, called flibanserin. Ammanda Major said: “Sex is a very personal thing, and talking about it can be embarrassing. But talking is often the best thing you can do to improve your sex life.”

 

 

 

Credit:

BBC

Otiko campaigns against child marriage in N/R

Minister for Gender, Children and Social Protection, Otiko Afisah Djaba is on a three-day advocacy tour of the Northern Region against child marriage which is hampering girl child education.

She is to address the Northern Regional House of Chiefs, today (Tuesday) to garner enough support from the traditional authorities to minimize the situation.

She is also expected to visit the Northern Regional Juvenile Correctional Centre.

Otiko Afisah Djaba at the Dakpema and Gulkpegu Naa palaces in Tamale called for a multifaceted approach to tackle the situation.

She emphasized the need for chiefs and the clergy to support government’s quest to end child marriage prevalent in the Northern Region.

She cited an increase in illiteracy rate, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, obstetric fistula, maternal and infant mortalities as some of the dangers associated with the menace.

“Government is doing its part by creating legislation. We expect our chiefs and religious leaders to complement government’s efforts by exposing the perpetrators of child marriage so as to safeguard the health and development of our young girls.”

“The purpose of my visit is also to explain certain government policies and initiatives to very important stakeholders including the chiefs, religious leaders as well as civil society organisations whose contributions matter a lot in the implementation of such policies and initiatives,” she explained.

The chief of Tamale, Naa Dakpema Dawuni Alhassan lauded the minister’s campaign and urged government to strictly enforce laws on child marriage.

“Child marriage is a new thing in Dagbon and people who indulge in the practice should be made to face the law.”

Naa Dakpema condemned the practice of children roaming on the streets of Tamale Township late at night.

Otiko Afisah Djaba at the Northern Regional Coordinating Council told the regional Minister, Salifu Sa-eed that plans were far advanced to implement the Ghana National Household Registry programme.

“I need the full cooperation and support of all MMDAs in your region to enable my ministry carryout this programme successfully. In every district, we expect the assemblies to provide our staff with office space for the period that they will be working in the districts to gather data and information.”

According to her, the Ghana National Household Registry is to establish a single national household register which will capture the data of all beneficiaries’ of social protection programs.

“The programme is funded by the World Bank through a US$9million facility negotiated by the government of Ghana.”

According to UNICEF, in Ghana, one out of every five girls is in marriage or in an informal union or cohabitation arrangement.

 

 

Source:

citifmonline.com

Forgiveness is the oil of a relationship

Forgiveness is vital for establishing a long lasting relationship. I call it the oil that refreshes, blends and revitalizes a relationship no matter how bad things have been, if only both partners would allow themselves to heal and to let go of any hurt.

It is a gift that a partner must be willing to give freely and willingly. In simple terms, it is a way of giving up your right to hold a grudge against your partner. The below are steps that can help in facilitating forgiveness in relationships.

Decide to forgive

You would have to make a decision to forgive your partner. Sometimes you may not feel like forgiving your partner because you are hurt or still in anger. This feeling may still be experienced because you want to pay him or her back for what he or she has done.

However, once you decide to let go, there would always be a chance to overcome the hurt and anger that has been harboured because of the hurt. Loreen (a married woman for ten years) had this to say ‘any time my husband offends me,  I try to remember the number of times I have offended him too. This allows me to quickly make a decision to let go, though I talk to him first, to make him aware of his offense‘.

§ Talk about your feelings

After your partner accepts a mistake and has apologized and asked for forgiveness; you must decide to let go. In order to forgive and forget, you would have to talk about the issue with your partner.

Sometimes partners are not able to totally forgive each other because they may still have questions that have to be answered. Answering some of these questions, may bring a closure to the hurt and eventually forgiveness.

You should allow each other to express their feelings, to be heard and to ensure that you understand each other. All these are very essential in ensuring that you move on.

Alfred (a married man for fifteen years) said this ‘as men we do not talk much but women should try and listen to our side of the story whenever there are disagreements or hurts, it helps with forgiveness in relationships. Men should also be heard just as women are allowed to speak their minds’.

§ Make adjustment if necessary

What is important here is to try and make all the necessary arrangements or adjustments that would help to avoid committing the same mistakes that lead to offences. This is particularly essential when the offence keeps re-occurring.

Doing this would help to avoid future disappointments and disagreements. For instance your partner spoke harshly to you, when you were among your friends because you tried to pick on him. This led to a heated argument and exchange of harsh words.

The question is, what do you do, in order not to hurt each other in such a manner again. You may decide not to pick on each other when you are among other people. It may not be easy, but you would have to cope with such an arrangement for the sake of your relationship.

Stacy confesses that ‘any time I am driving and my husband is seated by me, we always argue and exchange harsh words which always leads to unnecessary hurts. To put an end to this, I decided not to comment on anything he says whenever I am driving. He also decided to be careful with his words. Since we decided on this, we hardly quarrel when I am driving’.

§ Let go of past hurts

Thinking about past hurts would not allow you to forgive easily. It is always better to focus on the positive side of your relationship. You can focus on some of the memorable places you have been or the happy times you have spent together as a couple.

Always remember that the one who is closer to you is more likely to hurt you, simply because he or she is closer. If you have a habit of dwelling on past hurts you would never enjoy your relationship. You can always talk to a marriage counselor or a pastor whenever you need help with this.

§ Give yourself time
Deciding to forgive does not necessary mean that you can easily forget all that happened or do away with the pain easily especially depending on the issue at hand. It is important to admit that there are different degrees of hurts depending on the harm that has been caused. With time you would be healed of any pain or hurts if only you would allow yourself and let go of the past.

 

 

Source:

myjoyonline.com

Lifestyle: How staying single could actually improve your health

Bella DePaulo

Bella DePaulo is 63 years old and she’s been single her entire life.
“I never wanted to get married. Living single was my happily ever after,” DePaulo, a psychologist at the University of California Santa Barbara and a pioneer for the single life, said at a TEDx Talk this spring.

DePaulo has studied singles like herself for more than a decade, and her findings suggest that being single has a range of benefits, from the psychological to the physical.

“The beliefs that single people are miserable, lonely, and loveless, and want nothing more than to become un single are just myths,” DePaulo wrote on the blog PsychCentral in 2013.

In 2016, she combed through more than 800 studies of single and married people and found that her own work isn’t the only research to suggest that being single could have some tangible health benefits — from stronger social networks to a healthier body. Read on to find out about the other advantages you might reap from singledom.

Singles have a stronger social network than their married counterparts .

Think married people have more friends? Think again.

In 2015, social scientists Natalia Sarkisian and Naomi Gerstel set out to explore how ties to relatives, neighbors, and friends varied among single and married American adults. They found that singles were not only more likely to frequently reach out to their social networks but also tended to provide and receive help from these people than their married peers. Their results held steady even when they took into account factors like race, gender, and income levels.

Put simply, “being single increases the social connections of both women and men,” Sarkisian and Gerstel wrote in their paper.

Singles may be more physically fit .

There may be some truth to the idea that people who “settle down” ease into unhealthier habits, at least when it comes to some measures of physical fitness.

After surveying more than 13,000 men and women between ages 18 and 64, researchers found that those who were single and had never been married worked out more frequently each week compared with their married or divorced peers.

And a 2015 study in the journal Social Science and Medicine that compared body mass indexes to about 4,500 people across nine European countries found that single men and women had slightly lower BMIs, on average than men and women who were married. Overall, the married couples also weighed about five more pounds, on average, than the singles.

Single people could be more likely to develop as individuals .

An analysis of data from the National Survey of Families and Households that compared more than 1,000 people who had always been single with about 3,000 people who had been continuously married in 1998 found that the single people in the sample were more likely to experience personal growth than the married people — at least when it came to how they answered the following two questions.

As compared to the married people in the sample, the singles were far more likely to say they agreed with the statements:

For me, life has been a continuous process of learning, changing, and growth.

I think it is important to have new experiences that challenge how you think about yourself and the world.

Single men may become less generous after marriage .

Based on a nationally representative survey of thousands of Americans who were questioned in 1987 or 1988 and then again five years later, DePaulo found that the men in the sample who got married sometime during this window gave an average of $1,875 less to friends than they had when they were single. The same findings did not apply to the women in the sample.

Men who had divorced, on the other hand, gave more than they did when they were married — an average of $1,275 more.

Even stranger, men who were divorced but remarried resumed being less generous after re-coupling by about $1,050.

“In sum,” wrote DePaulo in the book Singled Out, “men who are single give no less to relatives than men who are married, despite drawing from one (rather than two) incomes and getting paid less to boot. And, they give more to friends than married men do.”

Single people may embrace alone time — and benefit from it — more than married people .

According to psychotherapist Amy Morin, solitude can have a range of benefits for your mental health. It may also help you be more productive and more creative.

“Time alone doesn’t have to be lonely,” Morin told Business Insider in 2015. “It could be the key to getting to know yourself better.”

Indeed, research by other psychologists has linked solitude (in contrast with loneliness) with everything from an increased sense of freedom to higher levels of creativity and intimacy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Credit:

adomonline.com

Men are attracted to women with good characters – Kennedy Agyapong

Kennedy Agyapong

Member of Parliament for Assin Central, Kennedy Agyapong says women should stop looking for husbands in various churches.

The politician revealed it is a waste of time for women to move from church to church seeking marriages while they can easily find husbands anywhere if they have certain traits.

The maverick MP believes that women would easily get the marriage they are desirous of if they show respect, know their way around the bedroom and can prepare good meals. He believes that these qualities are likely to send the good men their way.

Kennedy Agyapong added that he finds it hilarious that some women regularly go to church with the prime purpose of finding husbands. To him, inasmuch as it is good to regularly go to church, the three essentials he mentioned are the sure ways to getting married.

He concluded by asking women to refrain from accusing the devil of being responsible for their single life, and take his words of advice seriously.

Source: pulse.com.gh

9 types of women who are the reasons relationships are difficult

1. I call these ones “Resolution Women.”

It’s their resolution for every New Year to get married before the year ends. Usually, they are desperate. Their time is limited and can’t afford to waste a lot of it in dating. Immediately you go for them, you’re not a boyfriend. You’re a husband.

A husband who has to be groomed in a short spell of time to be ready for the big occasion. You wouldn’t know but to them, you are the husband. As a result, you have to mature quickly into the new role they are preparing you for. To them, every conversation is a marital conversation.

You are expected to even communicate as a husband. Expect to answer questions like; “when are we visiting my parents?” “When are we going to see the pastor who prophesied about our marriage?” “Don’t you think it’s better we started buying the engagement stuff? Meanwhile, you’ve dated for only one month. If you are thinking long term with respect to marriage, then it’s going to be agony for you.

2. Here the lady is not working.

Her job is the relationship. Her office is in love. She sees the proposal process as the job interview. Immediately she says yes, she’s employed. Her next paycheck is going to come from you. You pay for everything on them.

Hair, manicure, dress, makeup, and boobs jack (whatever that is) Expect to answer questions like: “why don’t you buy pizza for me when coming?” “Kofi, when are you going to send me the money you promised?” When should I come over to pick the cheque for the rent? That’s where all your money goes down the drain.

3. These ones don’t allow touching.

You won’t touch because everything on them is for their future husband. They don’t see you as the future husband yet because you haven’t made any concrete move to prove your marriage intentions.

But guess what, they reserve the right on everything in your pocket and wallet. You can’t touch now but you’ll pay now. You’ll pay but you won’t have any right to erections around them. You can’t touch, you can’t kiss, no sex but you’ll pay money for her expenses.

If you don’t pay, it means you don’t love them enough. You’ll usually hear them say; “True love is not about sex oo.” “If we have sex now, on our honeymoon the sex will lose some spark?” “Pre-marital sex is a sin against God.” Pre-marital expenses can’t be a sin. It’s classified under giving as the bible said “there’s more blessing in giving than receiving. So who knows, you have to keep paying without expecting for your blessing is in heaven.

4. These ones haven’t been in a relationship for so long.

At a point, they might have given up on the relationship all together thinking no man loves them. In the process, they develop the mindset that there might be something wrong with them that drive men away or simply they are not good enough. Their confidence is less than an inch tall. They give up on themselves. Retreat and keep living in the shells of their comfort zone.

Then you came along. You managed to make them fall in love with you. They see you as their saving grace and don’t want to do anything wrong. In the process of trying not to do anything wrong, they do all things wrong. You’ll have to coach her confidence because she had none. Every other lady friend of yours is a rival.

If she sees you walking with a taller lady, she feels you don’t love her because she’s not taller. Expect to answer questions like: “is it because she’s fairer than I am that’s why you like her so much?” “That lady I saw you walking with, what does she have that I don’t” “OW so you like slimmer ladies, why did you then come to me?”

5. I call these ones “Walking History Books.”

They’ve been in several relationships that didn’t work. They’ve been hurt, broken and left to die. Somehow, their heart kept surviving all the heartbreak they’ve gone through. And their minds are keeping the mental pictures of all the relationship they’ve been in and all the bad things that happened, why they happened and how they happened. They haven’t given up. They still love to try again till they find the true love.

The problem is, when they are with you, they will assess your movement using their past relationship history as the yardstick. In the end, they make you pay for the sins of all the guys that disappointed them. Yeah, they’ll torture you with the history lessons of their love life. They usually say things like; “That’s what my ex did when he wanted to leave me, and you are doing same.” “Yeah, you men are all the same. When I caught my ex, he gave the same excuse that you’re saying now.” Everything you do is measured by the history of the exes.

6. These ones have been loved by the best before.

Her previous guy was the best thing that ever happened to her. He was sweet, caring, romantic, sexy and all the good things bundled in one. If you hear her talk about the guy, you might think she’s referring to the coming messiah. But Something, as she’ll often tell you, beyond the control of both of them made them break up.

So as these ladies move on in life, they are looking for the replica of their past love fantasy. Whoever they find should better look like their ex or they’ll try to mold you into their ex kind of a guy. Oh yeah, you’ll never stop hearing them telling you what their ex would have done in certain situations. It’s not about you.

You are in a relationship to learn to be her fantasy. You should get used to sayings like; “Why didn’t you buy it for me? If it were to be Kojo my ex, he would have bought even twice of that for me.” “You are not caring at all, if it were to be Kojo my ex, he would have passed through the ocean at dawn to come pick me to the program.” You better start looking for Kojo to learn his ways or you won’t succeed.

7. These ones are my favorite.

They are my favorite because of the drama they bring to life each day. I love drama. I call these ones “Owners.” They don’t want to own your wallet or own anything material. They only want to own you. At first, it sounds lovely until you realize they don’t want to own only you but also want to own your very existence. They should have access to your very soul to know what’s happening there.

With them, you don’t have to have a password to anything. Now you’re getting the clearer picture of the kind of ownership I’m talking about here, right? They always want to know everything concerning you. In the end, you’ll have nothing to cover anything. Everything should be left bare for their assessment. Expect to answer these questions; “Who is this girl who called you this morning and spoke for one minute, thirty-one seconds? This question usually comes when your phone is in her hands.

“Where was I when you were taking this picture with that lady?” “Why did you leave 6 grains of rice in the plate, is the food I cooked not nice?” You better not stutter when giving answers to such questions or else you are in trouble.

8. They are cold like cucumber so I called them The Cucumber.

They love you and then nothing you do seems to affect them. When you are wrong, they know it but won’t say anything. They don’t argue. They don’t fight. Theirs is life as usual. Sometimes the guilt on you becomes too much because you know they know your cheating behavior. You know they know your evil ways but these ones won’t talk about it. One day…when everything seems right and calm, they just tell you it’s over. That’s the only fighting word you’ll hear them say all through the relationship. When they say that, nothing changes their mind.

Nothing means nothing. You can give them a piece of the sun and that won’t change their mind. You always feel guilty. They don’t give you the chance to explain or lie about your wrongs. So you always have a pent up guilt in you. Expect to hear annoying things like this…Nothing! They don’t say much.

9. These ones hardly show care.

They tell you they love you but it never shows in their daily dealings with you. Usually, they don’t want to be emotionally reliant on a man. They won’t call you until you call them. They are not the type to come crying on your shoulders when things go wrong. They are very opened. They are too opened they see their relationship as nothing to hold them back. These ones don’t have time to brood over the relationship gone bad.

You leave them today, tomorrow they are chilling. They are not scared to lose you. You are the one scared to lose them. You are never certain about them. Their love comes in glimpses. Today they give you a reason to believe. Tomorrow they take that reason away. You are never certain with them. Expect to get used to being told: “Do whatever you want, I’m cool with it.” “Ow naaa, don’t come over, I can handle it.” “Thank you but I’m ok, don’t worry about me.” They are always ok. Nothing makes them want you. They make you feel inadequate and not wanted as a man till you give up.

9 types of women who are the reasons relationships are difficult

#1. I call these ones “Resolution Women.” It’s their resolution for every New Year to get married before the year ends. Usually, they are desperate. Their time is limited and can’t afford to waste a lot of it in dating.  Immediately you go for them, you’re not a boyfriend. You’re a husband. A husband who has to be groomed in a short spell of time to be ready for the big occasion. You wouldn’t know but to them, you are the husband. As a result, you have to mature quickly into the new role they are preparing you for. To them, every conversation is a marital conversation. You are expected to even communicate as a husband. Expect to answer questions like; “when are we visiting my parents?” “When are we going to see the pastor who prophesied about our marriage?” “Don’t you think it’s better we started buying the engagement stuff? Meanwhile, you’ve dated for only one month. If you are thinking long term with respect to marriage, then it’s going to be agony for you. #2. Here the lady is not working. Her job is the relationship. Her office is in love. She sees the proposal process as the job interview. Immediately she says yes, she’s employed. Her next paycheck is going to come from you. You pay for everything on them. Hair, manicure, dress, makeup, and boobs jack (whatever that is) Expect to answer questions like: “why don’t you buy pizza for me when coming?” “Kofi, when are you going to send me the money you promised?” When should I come over to pick the cheque for the rent? That’s where all your money goes down the drain. #3. These ones don’t allow touching. You won’t touch because everything on them is for their future husband. They don’t see you as the future husband yet because you haven’t made any concrete move to prove your marriage intentions. But guess what, they reserve the right on everything in your pocket and wallet. You can’t touch now but you’ll pay now. You’ll pay but you won’t have any right to erections around them. You can’t touch, you can’t kiss, no sex but you’ll pay money for her expenses. If you don’t pay, it means you don’t love them enough. You’ll usually hear them say; “True love is not about sex oo.” “If we have sex now, on our honeymoon the sex will lose some spark?” “Pre-marital sex is a sin against God.” Pre-marital expenses can’t be a sin. It’s classified under giving as the bible said “there’s more blessing in giving than receiving. So who knows, you have to keep paying without expecting for your blessing is in heaven. #4. These ones haven’t been in a relationship for so long. At a point, they might have given up on the relationship all together thinking no man loves them. In the process, they develop the mindset that there might be something wrong with them that drive men away or simply they are not good enough. Their confidence is less than an inch tall. They give up on themselves. Retreat and keep living in the shells of their comfort zone. Then you came along. You managed to make them fall in love with you. They see you as their saving grace and don’t want to do anything wrong. In the process of trying not to do anything wrong, they do all things wrong. You’ll have to coach her confidence because she had none. Every other lady friend of yours is a rival. If she sees you walking with a taller lady, she feels you don’t love her because she’s not taller. Expect to answer questions like: “is it because she’s fairer than I am that’s why you like her so much?” “That lady I saw you walking with, what does she have that I don’t” “OW so you like slimmer ladies, why did you then come to me?” #5. I call these ones “Walking History Books.” They’ve been in several relationships that didn’t work. They’ve been hurt, broken and left to die. Somehow, their heart kept surviving all the heartbreak they’ve gone through. And their minds are keeping the mental pictures of all the relationship they’ve been in and all the bad things that happened, why they happened and how they happened. They haven’t given up. They still love to try again till they find the true love. The problem is, when they are with you, they will assess your movement using their past relationship history as the yardstick. In the end, they make you pay for the sins of all the guys that disappointed them. Yeah, they’ll torture you with the history lessons of their love life. They usually say things like; “That’s what my ex did when he wanted to leave me, and you are doing same.” “Yeah, you men are all the same. When I caught my ex, he gave the same excuse that you’re saying now.” Everything you do is measured by the history of the exes. #6. These ones have been loved by the best before. Her previous guy was the best thing that ever happened to her. He was sweet, caring, romantic, sexy and all the good things bundled in one. If you hear her talk about the guy, you might think she’s referring to the coming messiah. But Something, as she’ll often tell you, beyond the control of both of them made them break up. So as these ladies move on in life, they are looking for the replica of their past love fantasy. Whoever they find should better look like their ex or they’ll try to mold you into their ex kind of a guy. Oh yeah, you’ll never stop hearing them telling you what their ex would have done in certain situations. It’s not about you. You are in a relationship to learn to be her fantasy. You should get used to sayings like; “Why didn’t you buy it for me? If it were to be Kojo my ex, he would have bought even twice of that for me.” “You are not caring at all, if it were to be Kojo my ex, he would have passed through the ocean at dawn to come pick me to the program.” You better start looking for Kojo to learn his ways or you won’t succeed. #7. These ones are my favorite. They are my favorite because of the drama they bring to life each day. I love drama. I call these ones “Owners.” They don’t want to own your wallet or own anything material. They only want to own you. At first, it sounds lovely until you realize they don’t want to own only you but also want to own your very existence. They should have access to your very soul to know what’s happening there. With them, you don’t have to have a password to anything. Now you’re getting the clearer picture of the kind of ownership I’m talking about here, right? They always want to know everything concerning you. In the end, you’ll have nothing to cover anything. Everything should be left bare for their assessment. Expect to answer these questions; “Who is this girl who called you this morning and spoke for one minute, thirty-one seconds? This question usually comes when your phone is in her hands. “Where was I when you were taking this picture with that lady?” “Why did you leave 6 grains of rice in the plate, is the food I cooked not nice?” You better not stutter when giving answers to such questions or else you are in trouble. #8. They are cold like cucumber so I called them The Cucumber. They love you and then nothing you do seems to affect them. When you are wrong, they know it but won’t say anything. They don’t argue. They don’t fight. Theirs is life as usual. Sometimes the guilt on you becomes too much because you know they know your cheating behavior. You know they know your evil ways but these ones won’t talk about it. One day…when everything seems right and calm, they just tell you it’s over. That’s the only fighting word you’ll hear them say all through the relationship. When they say that, nothing changes their mind. Nothing means nothing. You can give them a piece of the sun and that won’t change their mind. You always feel guilty. They don’t give you the chance to explain or lie about your wrongs. So you always have a pent up guilt in you. Expect to hear annoying things like this…Nothing! They don’t say much. #9. These ones hardly show care. They tell you they love you but it never shows in their daily dealings with you. Usually, they don’t want to be emotionally reliant on a man. They won’t call you until you call them. They are not the type to come crying on your shoulders when things go wrong. They are very opened. They are too opened they see their relationship as nothing to hold them back. These ones don’t have time to brood over the relationship gone bad. You leave them today, tomorrow they are chilling. They are not scared to lose you. You are the one scared to lose them. You are never certain about them. Their love comes in glimpses. Today they give you a reason to believe. Tomorrow they take that reason away. You are never certain with them. Expect to get used to being told: “Do whatever you want, I’m cool with it.” “Ow naaa, don’t come over, I can handle it.” “Thank you but I’m ok, don’t worry about me.” They are always ok. Nothing makes them want you. They make you feel inadequate and not wanted as a man till you give up.

 

Source:

3news.com 

3 toxic mistakes that can tear young married couples apart

Even strong relationships are susceptible to marriage mistakes, particularly if the marriage is relatively new, according to Pastor John Gray of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas.

Pastor John often counsels couples and newlyweds in matters of marriage, and he says there are three particular marriage mistakes that are toxic enough to tear two people apart.

MISTAKE #1: Holding your spouse hostage to past mistakes.

People make mistakes. When your partner says or does something that offends you, it’s important not to harp on that mistake in the future. Instead, Pastor John says, you must give your spouse the opportunity to learn and grow. “That can mess up a young marriage because nobody knows how to do it right at the beginning,” he points out.

MISTAKE #2: Assuming married life won’t be different from dating.

What does a little piece of paper end up changing? A lot, says Pastor John. “When you engage another human being willingly with the opportunity to walk away, which is what dating is, there’s less pressure,” he explains. “When you get married, now you’re saying, ‘I’m building with this person.’ … There will be tension.”

MISTAKE #3: Telling your business to your parents.

Pastor John calls this one of the biggest mistakes young married couples make. “Lady, if he offends you, don’t tell your mama. Because when he ends up apologizing and getting it right, and you’re healed from it, the mother still remembers it,” Pastor John says. “Keep your business to yourself.

 

Source: huffingtonpost

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